"It's a sad day when you find out you're not perfect"

That quote actually came out of my mouth. It came out of my mouth the day I took my final driving test when I was 16. I was a little nervous, but I replaced the nerves by telling myself "Of course you are going to pass this driving test, you don't make mistakes, other people do and even they pass it". So I drove and I drove really well until I turned right on a "no turn on red". I had absolutely no idea what I had done and at the end of the drive I was fully expecting to get my license. And then I didn't. I literally burst into tears the moment I got back into my car. I could not believe that I had failed something that all of my friends had passed. I was disgusted with myself because I am capable and responsible and "practically perfect in every way" and failing a driving test did not match those characteristics.

Pride. It's my biggest struggle. But I didn't realize how deeply embedded it is inside me until this past week. I have always known that I am a proud person, but until this week i have pushed it aside. When Christ exposes your heart its painful and tearful. Especially for someone like me.

I am really big on being authentic. Being who you are and not changing. That's good if you're referring to not being a hypocrite, but in my case it's basically: This is how I am and I am not changing because if I do I won't be me anymore. Well being me means that I'm judgmental, proud, and I hold grudges, I don't give people second chances because if I don't change other people don't change either (right?).

And all of this was exposed in a light it had never been before. I had been suppressing the truth about how horrible my sin really is. I would get mad at myself for making mistakes, but wouldn't think twice about the sin that I was engaging in everyday. Until this week, in my mind, I was better than most, much smarter, and my way and thoughts were always best.

That was until this week.

It's so crazy how God will show you something and even though you have always known it's been there it just hits you. And you say, "Wow. I am an awful person" I don't know how many times I said that. I was finally disgusted with my sin. How in the world could I think that I am better or smarter than others? When all of my best efforts are filthy rags to Christ. How in the world could I not give others the benefit of the doubt or give them a second chance when Christ has given me so many chances! Every time I sin He forgives me and He still loves me. And I couldn't do that for someone else? Pretty ridiculous.

I finally realized being myself isn't good. My life as a Christian is supposed to be a constant change toward Christ-likeness. I'm supposed to change. I was created to be a mirror of Christ and his character. So changing who I am should be what I'm all about. Changing my pride into the selfless humility of Christ.